MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.