The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.