I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
No chill.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.