I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.