When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
This made me smile…
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive