my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him