I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO