Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
me after drinking all the wine: