carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.