[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
jesus, what did this guy do
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.