Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.