We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You Might Also Like
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
best review i’ve ever seen
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I don’t think my car can fly
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*