The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached