Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
work smarter, not harder
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?