Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Word!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Brother?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background