Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I can fix him.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.