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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
lol
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture