Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?