Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me irl
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…