So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural