[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.