Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.