Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You Might Also Like
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don鈥檛 take lead vocals. Just accept that you鈥檙e a background singer or get out.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let鈥檚 go to the hospital
you know you鈥檙e related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Put this video in the Louvre
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 馃槢
non-fungible鈥hat鈥檚 when you鈥檙e allergic to mushrooms right?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn鈥檛 we go to that guy鈥檚 baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written