[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”