I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week