Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.