Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement