girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
You Might Also Like
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
(Jupiter –
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life