wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.