[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
these two trucks have the same bed length
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Got him!