If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.