Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no