Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.