People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.