Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies