Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.