There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo