I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*frowns in Scottish*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
May never get over this