THE AUDACITY. 😤
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.