Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
for all #parents out there
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.