I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Brands during Pride
this is what they would have looked like, though
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey