Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’m about to risk it all
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Happy Star Wars day!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby