Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
You Might Also Like
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.