This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
wait.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.