there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this