My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I bet birds love this building.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine