Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
What
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral