“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though