lumberjacks will cut a birch
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“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Seems legit
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…