Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.